Why Your Emotional State Matters More Than You Think as a Parent
On Tuesday night at dinner, I was angry.
I couldn’t place it. I’ve done so much work on myself... I know my triggers, I’ve practised self-regulation, I teach this stuff for a living. But in that moment, all I wanted to do was yell.
So I did.
My 16-year-old said, “Dinner’s not ready yet,” and I snapped.. “Well, what the f*ck is that?”* I pointed at the stove.
Even as the words left my mouth, I surprised myself.
And thank goodness he was regulated. He replied calmly, “I thought you were still cooking.”
The air was thick. Palpable.
I’m laughing as I write this now because there was a time I didn’t even know what regulation or dysregulation meant. I just knew I didn’t feel good, and I was stuck, reacting on autopilot.
Regulation doesn’t mean you never react. It means you can recognise it faster, repair quicker, and reflect more honestly.
I was dysregulated… but I didn’t stay there.
He was regulated… and that helped me come back.
And while I could beat myself up for it, I’ve learned to offer empathy to myself too.
I’m in perimenopause. The kind where symptoms sneak up and new waves of emotion take me by surprise... like this sudden surge of anger that felt stronger than usual.
It was a moment of reckoning and recognition. And it gave me a deeper understanding of what’s at stake when we don’t do the work to regulate ourselves.
When we stay in patterns of chronic dysregulation...yelling, snapping, shutting down, or withdrawing... here’s what often happens over time:
Children walk on eggshells, trying to predict moods rather than express themselves
Kids internalise blame, believing they are the cause of the chaos
Emotional safety erodes, and with it, a child’s trust and confidence
Teens stop sharing, fearing judgment or conflict
Children become hyper-vigilant, often misreading neutral expressions as threats
Here’s what some of the parents I’ve worked with have shared:
“My child wouldn't get ready for school until I yelled several times. I only realised recently when I yell, he is trying to find a way to cope, which is what causes him to act silly and run away."
“I noticed my son had gone really quiet at school. His teacher mentioned he seemed withdrawn. It hit me... I’ve been distanced and thought he was just being like me, and the painful truth is, he was...turns out he’s shut down emotionally.”
“I found out my daughter wasn’t telling me the truth about where she was. When we unpacked it, she said she just didn’t want to deal with my reaction.”
These aren’t signs of disrespect or defiance. They’re symptoms of a nervous system adapting to unpredictability.
When we don’t regulate, our children absorb it.
When we do the work, our children feel it.
What becomes clearer, when we take radical responsibility for ourselves, is that we can begin to tell the difference between a child’s behaviour that is…-A result of natural development
-A reflection of unmet emotional needs
Toddlers will tantrums.
Teens will push boundaries and seek belonging with peers.
These are developmental. And when we understand that, we can meet them with empathy.
Just like I needed to meet myself with empathy too.
Because while my son was just being a teen...calm, casual, and not trying to offend...my body had other ideas.
My nervous system was sending signals that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my hormonal state.
I apologised. Not in a dramatic, guilt-laden way. Just honest.
“Hey, I was really off. I’m sorry for snapping. That wasn’t about you.”
And because of the relationship we’ve built… in all the small moments of regulation, repair, and presence… he shrugged, smiled, and said, “All good, Mum.”
Not every moment goes like this. But more do now.
And that is what this work is about.
Want support learning how to regulate, repair, and reconnect as a parent, even in the messy moments? I’d love to support you. Explore the Stressed to Best Parent Method and let’s work together to start building the skills to show up with presence and power.
