10 Ways to Grow a Child to Love Themselves

Love is in the details.
 
I have parents who love me and yet through no fault of theirs (they always did the best they knew) I grew up feeling very unloved... so what creates the gap?

One of the things I like to share with parents is that, whilst the GIFT of parenting is to love a child, the SKILL of parenting is to grow that child to like and love themselves.

When a child grows into an adult who knows they are loved, they spend less time seeking it outside of themselves... and more time finding ways to share their love with the world.

We worry about healthy technology usage, sustainable health, optimum grades, unlimited work prospects — but what if each of these came back to one thing?

How much a person loves themselves.

Think about it...

Excessive technology usage is a way of numbing. It often stems from wanting to avoid uncomfortable feelings. When we love ourselves, we also learn to love our feelings... even the difficult ones... and we become less dependent on distractions.

Sustainable health comes from self-kindness, not self-punishment. You’ve likely seen someone force themselves to exercise to look a certain way... and it rarely lasts. Contrast that with someone who moves because they love their body — this is joyful, sustainable, and nourishing.

Optimum grades — too often, kids are pressured to achieve to prove their worth. And our school systems contribute to this. But when a child loves themselves, they explore the world from a place of curiosity. Learning becomes something they want to do, not something they must do to be accepted.

Unlimited job prospects — so many adults feel stuck in work that doesn’t align with their gifts. But when you love who you are, you naturally want to understand yourself and follow your inner compass. That self-trust leads to work that’s meaningful and expansive.

Here’s what I did as a child and adult because I felt unloved, unseen, and unheard...

• I had tantrums that lasted longer than was developmentally typical.

• I didn’t respect my toys or belongings.

• I was clingy, demanding, and obsessed with getting treats or gifts.

• As a teenager, I didn’t respect my body and flaunted it in ways I now recognise as seeking validation.

• I dated far too young and looked for worth in relationships.

• I spent one-third of my life in a career that kept the lights on in my home but switched off the light inside of me. 

• I sought to have a house with a pool and a car in hopes they would validate my existence. To name a few...

  These were symptoms of a deeper truth..I didn’t feel truly loved as I was, and I had to prove I was worthy of love in other ways.
  

  So I made it my mission to learn how I could raise two boys who like and love themselves. I haven't been perfect, far from it. It's been messy, I've messed up and apologised more times than I can count, but I have stuck with the core principles I'm about to share with you as much as humanly possible... 
  
  Here are ten ways to help your child grow up feeling safe in who they are, proud of their uniqueness, and deeply loved — not just by you, but by themselves.
  
  1. Take radical responsibility for your emotions
  
  When we don’t own our feelings, children often feel like they have to fix us... and that can lead to self-abandonment.
  
  Example: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to step into the other room and breathe for a few minutes. "This isn’t about you.”
  
  This teaches your child: I am not responsible for other people’s emotions... and I don’t have to sacrifice myself to be loved.
  
  2. Separate behaviour from identity
  Children are not their actions. Behaviour is communication. When we respond to the message underneath, we teach them they are loved even in their messiest moments. 
  
  Example: Instead of “You’re being so naughty,” try: “You’re having a really hard time right now, and that’s okay. I’m here to help you through it.” or instead of "You're so smart," try: "that was a really smart [insert what they said or did here e.g dance move]." 
  
  This teaches your child: My big feelings don’t make me a bad person. I can be loved and guided — not shamed — when I’m struggling.
  
  Get curious. Ask: What are they trying to tell me? In the Stressed to Best Parent Method, we explore 48 underlying motivations that help you truly see your child.
  
  3. Model emotional awareness
  
  When children learn to feel their emotions in their bodies, they develop emotional literacy... and eventually, intuitive wisdom.
  
  “Where do you feel that in your body?” or “What colour does that feeling feel like?”
  
  When they can identify feelings, they can process them instead of repressing them.
  
  4. Co-regulate, then teach self-regulation
  Self-regulation isn’t taught with words... It’s absorbed through presence. A calm adult helps a child borrow their nervous system until they develop their own emotional steadiness.
  
  5. Spend time with them... just because
  No agenda. No outcome. Just unconditional presence.
  
  This teaches: I don’t have to perform, achieve, or behave a certain way to receive love.
  
  6. Love them in their love language
  Kids don’t always feel love the way you give it. Learn their love language — whether it’s words, touch, quality time, gifts, or acts of service — and show up there consistently.
  
  7. Tell them you’re proud of who they are — not just what they do
  Celebrate their beingness. Not just the painting, the good behaviour, or the A+ — but the quiet, in-between moments when they’re simply themselves.
  
  8. Set clear, loving boundaries
  Boundaries are safety. And safety allows a child to soften into love.
  “If you’re not home by 10 pm, I’ll come and pick you up.” or "At 7 pm, it's time to come off the iPad, if you can't come off it, I'll help you by taking it away and putting it in the kitchen." This is your action, not a threat or punishment.
  
  9. Be on the same page as co-parents
  Shared values and consistent messages between parents create a sense of security and belonging. Your child feels: I’m not caught in the middle... I am held and supported by both and can be myself with either parent. (Sometimes this isn't possible, when one parent is unwilling to do the work on themselves. Your work in the other 9 areas can still make a difference here.)
  
  10. Release generational imprints
  Your voice becomes your child’s inner voice. Become aware of what you’ve inherited — the guilt, the criticism, the martyr energy — and choose a different path.
  
  This breaks cycles... and builds children who trust themselves instead of doubting their worth.
  
  If this resonates and you’re ready to parent from a place of authenticity and intention... I’d love to support you. Explore the Stressed to Best Parent Method or book a strategy call with me here, and let’s work together to grow a family culture of deep self-love and lasting connection.