If I Don’t Stop the Whinging, They’ll Spiral

One of the biggest fears I carried in early parenting was this...

“If I don’t stop the tears, the anger, the whinging… it will spiral out of control.”

I believed it with everything in me.

When my boys were little, I would feel it in my body — that rising panic when the crying started... the tension when the whining wouldn’t stop... the fear that if I didn’t do something right now, I’d lose all control. That I’d raise a child who didn’t respect boundaries. That it would only get worse over time.

And honestly, some days it felt like it was spiralling.

I was exhausted. Pulled in a thousand directions. And the noise... the emotional intensity... the unpredictability of it all — it was too much.

So of course I wanted it to stop. Of course I tried to hush the tears, shush the whining, redirect the anger. I thought that was being a good mum — staying in control, keeping everything together.

But what I didn’t realise then is that trying to shut it down wasn’t helping either of us.

I completely understand the instinct to stop a child’s tears immediately. When our children cry or lash out, every fibre of our being wants to fix it... to make everything okay. It’s natural to feel that their emotional pain or intensity is somehow harmful or dangerous. That if we let it continue, something worse will follow. And for many of us, especially if we were punished or dismissed for having big feelings, it feels threatening to be around those emotions at all — especially anger.

But what if those tears, those moments of protest, those angry outbursts aren’t signs of things going wrong... but signs of emotional health?

What if trying to shut it all down actually prevents emotional development?

Think about professional athletes for a moment. After intense training or competition, they often experience muscle soreness... physical fatigue... even tears of frustration or joy. But those reactions aren’t harmful — they’re signs of growth, resilience and processing. No coach rushes to remove those experiences. They understand it’s all part of building strength.

It’s the same with emotional intensity in our kids — and in ourselves.

When we allow safe space for tears, anger, sadness, frustration... all those so-called “messy” feelings... something profound happens. The stress hormones release through tears. The nervous system resets. Emotional regulation starts to take root.

The brain processes experiences. Natural resilience builds.

But when we rush to stop the crying... when we shame the whining... when we fear or punish the anger... emotions get stuck. Processing is left incomplete. Children learn to suppress. Emotional literacy doesn’t develop. And anxiety can actually increase — in them and in us.

I used to think I had to shut down the storm to stay in control. Now I know that co-regulating through the storm is what builds real trust.

Just like athletes need to recover, our kids need to feel.

And we need to know we can hold space for that — without losing ourselves.

When we create safe space for their big emotions... trust deepens. Emotional intelligence grows. Self-regulation strengthens. And our connection gets stronger, not weaker.

It doesn’t mean we allow all behaviour. It means we understand that underneath the behaviour is a message... a need... a child trying to figure out their world and their place in it.

And it means we give ourselves permission to feel too.

I used to fear anger — both mine and theirs. I thought it meant something bad. But I’ve come to understand it as a normal, healthy emotion that just needs to be expressed and channelled in a safe, boundaried way. When I stopped fearing it... when I started listening to what it was telling me... I stopped being ruled by it.

This is the invitation for all of us...to move from controlling emotions to understanding them.

To shift from “If I don’t stop this, it’ll spiral”... to “If I hold space here, we both grow.”

That’s the work of conscious parenting. Not perfect parenting. Present parenting.

And every time we practise it... we model for our children that their feelings are not too much... that they’re allowed... that they can trust their inner world — and so can we.

Unshakable resilience is a core skill for the future of work. It’s not always easy. But it’s always worth it.

P.S. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by your child’s big feelings, or your own, you’re not alone. It’s not about getting it perfect... it’s about learning to hold space in a way that builds connection and resilience. That’s exactly what I teach inside the Stressed to Best Parent Method — a practical, heart-led framework to help you move from reactive to rooted, even in the middle of emotional intensity.

Book in a call with me to discuss your family goals.