How to Yell at Your Child Without Ruining the Relationship
Bec is a conscientious, involved mum. She’s self-aware, a go-getter with a positive attitude and empathy in spades.
So when she told me in a session, “I think I’m screwing up my kids because I yell,” I didn’t flinch. I asked her a few more questions. Turns out, she usually yells when she’s at a loss for what to do.
Sound familiar?
You’ve asked your child to do something four times and the fifth time you finally snap.... “Do it NOW!”
Bec shared that after yelling, she often berates herself. She recalls the parenting article she read last month about the harmful effects of yelling and spirals into shame.
But here's the question we need to ask:
What’s hurting Bec and her children more—the yelling, or what happens after she yells?
You might be surprised to learn that it’s not the yelling itself.
There’s a difference between controllable yelling and uncontrollable yelling. This post focuses on the former. (Research confirms that uncontrollable, frequent yelling can have harmful effects on a child.)
But kids don’t need you to be perfect. In fact, it’s the unrealistic pressure to be perfect—and the shame that follows our imperfections—that causes the deepest rift.
Why Shame Hurts More Than Yelling
Shame is often a triggered response from a past experience. It has nothing to do with what’s actually happening in the moment.
When you spiral into shame after yelling, you model to your child that they must also be perfect.... that making mistakes is unacceptable.... that self-forgiveness isn’t allowed.
Shame keeps you stuck.
It prevents you from exploring what’s really going on beneath the surface.
And it robs you of the opportunity to learn and grow.
“When I see people stand fully in their truth, or when I see someone fall down, get back up, and say, ‘Damn. That really hurt, but this is important to me and I’m going in again’—my gut reaction is, ‘What a badass.’”
— Brené Brown
So how do you yell at your child?
You lead yourself through it.
5 Steps to Yell as a Conscious Parent
1. Be authentic
It is frustrating when your child doesn’t hear you. Allow yourself to feel that frustration.... but don’t let it take over. This is a powerful act of self-leadership.
2. Practice humility
You won’t always get parenting right. That’s okay. Be honest with yourself. Admit when you stuff up—and do it with grace.
3. Audit your beliefs
Why do you want to yell?
What story are you telling yourself about your child not listening?
Is it useful?
For example:
Useful belief: They didn’t hear me because they’re absorbed in what they’re doing.
Unhelpful belief: They’re being defiant or ignoring me on purpose.
Try each one on. Which belief puts you in the most helpful state to respond with clarity?
4. Own it
Children don’t need perfect parents. They need real ones.
Own your feelings.
Own your triggers.
Own what you’ve discovered from your audit—and share it with your child.
Even if you don’t yet understand what triggered you, own that too. That honesty helps your child avoid making up their own stories about your emotions.
5. Be compassionate
If you’re doing the work and still yelled.... be kind to yourself. You’re human.
Parenting isn’t about never messing up. It’s about leading yourself with truth, grace, and self-compassion.
Bec already does steps 1 to 4 regularly.
Sometimes, all that’s left is step 5.
You Don’t Need to Be Perfect. You Just Need to Be Real.
Yelling in itself isn’t what’s breaking the bond. It’s what happens afterward that matters most.
The truth is: your ability to lead yourself through hard moments is what teaches your child how to do the same.
Want to learn how to lead yourself and your family through the messy, beautiful reality of parenting?
Join us inside the Stressed to Best Parent Method where you’ll learn how to go from reactive to rooted.... from overwhelmed to connected.... from perfection pressure to deep self-trust.
