My personal story of letting go of control

One of the most powerful shifts I’ve made in my parenting — and one I help other parents make too — is moving from authority over my child to influence with them.

At first, I didn’t really see the difference. Both meant I was leading, setting boundaries, guiding behaviour. But when I had my strong-willed child, I realised the energy behind those two ways of parenting was completely different. And so is the impact it has on our children.

In the early years, especially when I was tired or overwhelmed, I often leaned on authority. I’d say things like:
“Just do it now.”
“Because I said so.”
“Stop it. That’s enough.”

And in the moment, it worked. I got compliance (most of the time).
But I could feel the disconnection afterwards. My child would go quiet, or melt down later, or give me this look like... “You don’t get it.”
And I’d feel it in my body too — a kind of tightening. A regret.

Eventually, I realised that kind of authority was rooted in control. It wasn’t about building understanding or long-term cooperation. It was about getting through the moment quickly — often at the cost of connection.

I remember one day, my child interrupted me while I was on the phone. I snapped:

“Stop being rude. I’m talking.”
His face dropped. He wasn’t being rude. He was excited to share something with me. I missed that. I shut it down. And I felt awful afterwards.

As I learned more, I started saying things like:
“I can hear you’ve got something important to tell me. Give me one minute to finish this, and then I want to hear you.”
Same boundary. Totally different energy.

Or the bedtime battles.
Oh, the number of times I said: “You’re going to bed now. I don’t want to hear it. Just go.”
It never worked. Not really. It led to more resistance, more tears, more stress.

Instead, I started to try:
“I get that you don’t feel like stopping play — I wouldn’t either if I was having fun. Let’s pick one last thing to do, and then we’ll start bedtime together.”

The difference?
I’m still leading. I’m still holding the structure. But I’m holding it with him, not over him.

And I can only do that when I’m tending to my own nervous system first.
Because when I’m exhausted or triggered, I want to snap. I want to shut it down. I want it to be easy.

And I still have those moments. I’m not perfect. But now I notice them.
I can pause.
I can soften.
I can choose presence instead of power.

That’s the shift.
From reactivity... to awareness.
From controlling... to connecting.

I’ve also had to do a lot of inner work to realise when my child’s behaviour was touching something unhealed in me.

There was a time when my child saying “No!” to me would trigger this deep rage. It felt like disrespect. But underneath that, it was really about feeling unseen... unheard... dismissed — all feelings I hadn’t processed from my own childhood.

When I could see that clearly, everything changed.
I stopped reacting to the wound.
And I started responding from presence.

Because influence only becomes possible when we’re regulated. When we feel clear inside ourselves.

And children raised with influence..not control.. they grow up with self-respect, not fear.
They know their voice matters.
They understand boundaries because they’ve been shown how to hold them with compassion.
They listen because they trust you...not because they’re scared of you.

This isn’t permissiveness.
It’s conscious leadership.

And for me, that’s the goal...not to have power over my child, but to walk in my own power with them. And if you're here reading this, I know that's your goal too, Dina.

'Cause that’s where the real growth happens. For us and our children.

PS. If you’re ready to make this shift — from reaction to presence, from power struggles to calm influence — I’d love to walk beside you.

In the Stressed to Best Parent Method, I share the exact tools I use every day to parent from influence instead of control.

You’ll learn how to:

• Regulate your own emotions so you can lead with clarity

• Set boundaries without shame or fear

• Build real trust, so your child listens because they feel connected, not because they’re afraid
  
  Because when you lead from your centre... your child learns to lead from theirs too.
  
  Learn more about Stressed to Best Parent Method here.