From Guilt to Growth...A Better Way to Handle Parenting Regret

There’s really only one thing worse than parent guilt...

That’s feeling guilty about the guilt.

Let me explain.

You love your child. You’re doing the best you can. And at any given moment, you’re juggling the never-ending list of small and big tasks that come with parenting — because that’s what we signed up for when we stepped into this role.

The real challenge arises when you don’t feel like there’s a choice. Maybe it’s the guilt that creeps in after adding an extra day of after-school care. Or the sting of missing a parent-teacher event because of work commitments.

It’s okay to feel guilty.

Guilt is often a signal that there’s a values conflict — two things that matter deeply to you are clashing. The problem begins when guilt turns into a spiral. You feel guilty... then feel guilty about feeling guilty... and soon enough, you’re caught in a mental loop.

Even worse, you start piling on shame. “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “I’m a bad parent.” “They’ll resent me forever.” That spiral can cloud your thinking — and affect your choices.

Here’s why:

Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman has found an inverse relationship between the activation of the amygdala (your emotional brain) and the prefrontal cortex (your thinking brain). When the amygdala is activated — by fear, stress, guilt, anxiety, or even joy — blood and oxygen rush there. This disrupts your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for decision-making and problem solving.

So when guilt is running the show, your clarity and reasoning take a back seat.

How to stop the guilt spiral

Spiralling emotions are like running a race backwards from the finish line. They take you further from where you want to be.

The first step is to pause and assess whether the spiral is useful.

A useful guilt spiral might sound like:
"Okay, I’m feeling guilty right now. I don’t like it, but I’m acknowledging it. I want to understand what triggered this so I can make a better choice next time."

That kind of reflection leads to growth.

An unhelpful spiral sounds more like:
"I’m a bad parent. I should have done better. They’ll never forgive me."

This only fuels shame — and leaves you stuck.

Instead, try saying to yourself:
“I don’t like feeling this way. I wish it were different... but right now, this is what I’m feeling.”

This gentle, non-judgmental awareness can calm your nervous system and give you space to reflect on what matters and what needs to change — if anything.

Reflection question:
How much guilt do you allow to pile up on you? What might happen if you met it with compassion instead of criticism?

Want to shift out of guilt and reconnect with your values as a parent? The Stressed to Best Parent Method takes you on a step-by-step journey to explore what really matters — and make peace with the messy moments.