A dad said something to me recently, almost apologetically.
"Do we need to be harder? My parents think we're far too soft."
He and his wife were sitting across from me. Exhausted, loving, having read the books and tried everything... and still feeling like they were losing the battle.
Somewhere along the way, they'd started to wonder if the problem was simply that they weren't tough enough.
If you've ever wondered the same thing... whether you've gone soft, whether a firmer hand is the missing piece...
I don't think you need to be harder.
The generation before us often says they were hard, with pride. And here's the uncomfortable part... when you do come down hard, it can work in the moment. The child's behaviour might stop and they go quiet. So a small voice whispers, see, that's what they needed all along.
And when you soften and everything seems to unravel, "harder" can start to feel like the only option left.
I understand it completely.
Especially if you were raised with a firm hand yourself. Under pressure, it's easy to reach for the tools that were used on us.
Or maybe, like me, there's a part of you that's a people pleaser. You want everyone, including your child, to like you... so sometimes you give in too easily.
What took me years to learn was that it was never soft versus hard.
The opposite of harsh isn't giving in.
It's firm and loving. At the same time.
And that's not a halfway point between strict and lenient. It's a different way of leading.
Because ultimately, we're not just trying to get our children to behave.
We're raising children who know who they are, trust themselves and can stay true to themselves... even when the world pressures them to be someone else.
And this is where I think both harsh and soft can get in the way.
When we're harsh, a child can learn to adapt themselves to avoid our anger or disapproval. They focus on what they need to do to keep us happy.
When we continually give in, they learn something different... that if they push hard enough, our boundary will move.
Either way, everyone is adapting to everyone else's behaviour.
Firm and loving changes that.
The message becomes...
You don't have to change who you are for me. And this boundary still stands.
Firm is the boundary. Loving is how you hold it.
For a strong-willed child, that matters.
I don't want to crush the determination out of them. That determination may one day be the very thing that helps them stand up for what they believe in, walk away from something that isn't right for them, or keep going when something is hard.
I want them to learn what to do with that strength without believing they need to become someone else.
Picture the standoff you know too well.
Shoes on, we're late, and your child plants their feet.
Harder sounds like, "Put them on NOW."
Giving in might mean carrying them out barefoot.
Firm and loving sounds different:
"We're putting shoes on. Red ones or blue ones, you choose."
The boundary hasn't moved. But your child still has some autonomy within it.
You're saying..you can still be you, and this boundary still stands.
That's the difference.
When we're regulated, we're much more able to lead. When we're dysregulated, we're more likely to control or cave.
So instead of asking, "Do I need to be harder?", perhaps the better question is:
"How can I be firm and loving here?"
You can hold the boundary without yelling.
You can stay connected without giving in.
And your child learns something much bigger than how to behave in that moment.
They learn that they don't have to choose between belonging to you and being themselves.
That couple who asked if they needed to be harder?
By the end of our work together, they said:
"We've gained really valuable information in understanding each of our children's motivation styles and how we can lead them as parents. And we're reaping the rewards now."
And dad said:
"Now I feel like I've got a different sort of connection with this kid."
Nothing about becoming tougher.
Everything about learning how to lead differently.
I think we've been handed a false choice... be harsh, or be walked over.
But there is another way.
Firm and loving.
So our children learn to live with boundaries, consider others and take responsibility... without losing who they are in the process.
P.S. If you've been quietly wondering whether you need to be harder, and something in you doesn't want to be... trust that.
You don't need to toughen up. You need the skills to be firm and loving at the same time, because the goal isn't simply a child who behaves.
It's a child who can stay true to themselves while learning how to navigate the world around them.
That's exactly what we build together inside the Stressed to Best Parent Method.
