Why Your Child Lacks Drive & A Better Way to Motivate

What happens when your goals for your child and their goals for themselves differ?

Shelley is a mum of three. She’s a senior leader in her organisation and extremely driven to achieve the goals she sets for herself. Her tween daughter, on the other hand, is not driven in the same way... and this deeply frustrates Shelley.

Despite her best efforts to encourage her daughter to set goals and improve in her musical instrument, her daughter has started to show signs of resentment, resistance... and is now considering giving up altogether.

Through coaching, Shelley came to an important realisation. Her drive to achieve wasn’t just about ambition... it was underpinned by a fear of not being someone of significance. That same fear was fuelling her desire for her daughter to succeed.

So I asked her:
“Is your daughter significant right now? Would she be any more or less significant if she achieves her goals?”

Shelley paused... and replied, “Of course not. She is significant to me regardless.”

It was a breakthrough moment.

She realised she had been projecting her fears onto her daughter. Not only that, but she was also exhausted from constantly trying to supply the motivation for her child.

Once Shelley shifted her own attachment to achieving goals — seeing them as a path to progress rather than significance — everything changed. She began allowing her daughter the space to build her own motivation.

And both of them became happier as a result.

“People are born with intrinsic motivation, self-esteem, dignity, curiosity to learn, joy in learning.”
— W. Edwards Deming

When fear underpins your goals for your child, they may begin to focus more on pleasing you than on what truly matters to them.

Intrinsic motivation refers to our natural drive to learn, explore, and challenge ourselves — not for praise or rewards, but simply for the joy and growth it brings.

Decades of research by Ryan and Deci (2017) found that intrinsic motivation predicts better learning, creativity, wellbeing, and long-term performance.

Helping your child build their own motivation — without pressure, fear, or projection — is the key to their confidence and resilience.

How can you start building your child’s intrinsic motivation today?

Want to guide your child to set goals that matter to them? Explore the Stressed to Best Parent method and discover how to shift from pressure to purpose.